IGA Pizza Stands For “It’s Gross All Right”

I saw the featured freezer full of IGA single serving frozen pizzas priced to sell at $1.49 each. It seemed like a dare to me!

IGA pizza
It’s Gross All Right!


I mean, I didn’t have to eat the whole thing, right? And this would sort of even out my splurge on the Ionian Awakening that cost $8.49 and was basically just bread. So into the cart it went!

Knowing full well the only chance of it being edible was to use the toaster oven, I unwrapped the frozen circle and prepared for the worst. I got it. The best way to describe the crust would be like a microwaved matzoh, the sauce cheap tomato paste, the cheese completely devoid of flavor.

IGA – It’s Gross All Right.

American Flatbread, Ionian Awakening: Pizza?

American FlatbreadThe box proclaims, “Handmade Thin & Crispy Pizza Baked in a Wood-Fired Oven”. I would really like to know what person is making frozen pizzas by hand, or how far the legal description can be stretched to fit the marketing copy.

In any case, I fell for the delightful looking box. I’m ashamed to say I paid $8.99 for what was closer to bruschetta than pizza. I think it was the photo of nice olives that drew me in. In reality what I got was maybe one olive shredded into 20 pieces dispersed across the flatbread, with minimal cheese and onion. The box also says there is “homemade tomato sauce” which I totally missed. Whose home did it come from?

Ionian AwakeningLooking at the photo, it doesn’t seem half bad. And it did taste good! But just not much substance.

Ionian awakening? I was sure awakened, but not by any uhm, Ions? Ionites? I was awakened by my own gullibility. At least the bread was good.

Red Baron Classic Crust 4 Cheese Pizza

Red Baron boxThe other day I was thinking about an ex-boyfriend who really liked Red Baron pizza, and we ate a lot of it. At the time I thought it was best of the frozen pizza choices available at our supermarket in Denver. I hadn’t had it in quite some time, so it seemed like a perfect fit for a review.

I never really thought too much about the name in the past, but lately I’ve wondered… what is the rationale for the reference to a World War II German flying ace? The website will surely tell the story, I thought. It turns out I thought wrong… there was no explanation.

Red Baron 4 Cheese
Not as appealing as I remembered.

Taking the pizza out of the oven, I was disappointed. This was not what I remembered. It looked more like pizza that might be served in an elementary school cafeteria. My first bite reminded me of a saying from an old Simpson’s episode in which Marge proudly proclaims, “The secret ingredient is salt!”.

As there are many varieties of Red Baron pizza, I’m wondering if this was a different one than I liked in the past. Or maybe Denver was so lacking in good pizza options that I was a bit delusional.

Weight Watchers Smart Ones: Thin Crust Cheese Pizza

I know that microwaveable frozen pizza is bad… especially the “light” varieties. But Reviews of Pizza is no pizza snob! There will be no discrimination based on quality, since real life circumstances dictate that we can’t be eating gourmet pizza everyday.

Smart Ones Thin Crust
Should a pizza described as “crispy-thin” bend like this?

The box promises “a blend of reduced fat cheeses with a tangy tomato sauce on a crispy-thin crust”. Since the Lean Cuisine frozen pizza I reviewed recently was far too doughy, I found the “crispy-thin” description tantalizing. This could be the answer to the dough woes!

When I took it out of the box, I was a little disappointed. There’s just not much to it because it is SSsssooooo flat! Honestly the box is twice as thick as it should be to contain food that’s thinner than my iPhone 5. After microwaving, I had planned to cut it in half but then decided it was unnecessary because there was so little substance.

As for the “crispy-thin” crust… uhhh, well, I would say the result tastes like a steamed cracker. Tangy tomato sauce? Well, if you consider tomato paste tangy you’re in luck!


Lean Cuisine Four Cheese Pizza: a paradox

I’ve purchased many Lean Cuisine Four Cheese Pizzas in my life, and almost every time I am finished eating one I tell myself to never buy another one. To be fair, I might not have bought this one except for this blog.

When I open the microwaveable box I get my hopes up for a minute, because I can imagine the pizza coming out OK. I feel kind of like a secret agent while placing the frozen pizza onto the flipped open silver coated interior of the box, or maybe like an origami artist.

When the two minute microwave cooking time was over, I instantly remembered one annoying flaw… the center of the pizza doesn’t cook right! How can this be? It surely took an engineering team at Nestle a lot of time to devise this special microwave box contraption! Didn’t they notice? I begrudgingly put the pizza on a regular plate and back into the microwave for 15 seconds.

Lean Cuisine photo
Why so much dough?

Upon removing the now cooked pizza, my hopes faded a little. I think this is actually one frozen food that looks worse cooked! As I cut up the pizza another one of my past criticisms resurfaces… the proportion of elements is roughly 90% dough, 5% sauce and 5% cheese. I don’t know what they should be ideally, but not that.

And then there is the taste… just poor. Once I again I remind myself not to buy it in the future. Mostly what I taste is the dough with an acidic tomato sauce and a hint of cheese-like substance. In fact, I would have to say that overall Lean Cuisine Four Cheese Pizza is really a pizza-like substance.

Celeste Pizza For One

When I saw the small box stuffed in an awkward spot of the frozen food section, I was immediately skeptical of this product’s quality.  From its location at the very top of the freezer compartment, near the door frame separating sections, I got the feeling the store wasn’t proud to be selling Celeste Pizza For One.

I vaguely remembered this product from the ancient past, but it had been a long time since I actually noticed one in a store. At $1.59, I was curious. If it turned out to be inedible, at least this pizza wouldn’t be a large investment.

The instructions said the pizza could either be baked or microwaved. I thought microwaving it would definitely result in something horrible, so I opted for a 15 minute bake in my toaster.

celeste pizza for one

The finished product looked a little over baked, but that may have been my fault. And I actually prefer pizza to be overdone rather than underdone. The appearance was better than I expected.

With the first bite, I noticed the crust tasted kind of funny. Like a WonderBread of pizza crusts, it was not crunchy enough and bland. The sauce had a bit of tanginess, which I enjoyed, and while the cheese was clearly not of high quality, I’ve had worse on a personal frozen pizza. Overall, this pizza was not something I’d buy again but my dread at trying it was unfounded.